Brilliant Bry *：歡樂吧！生命

說真的，我應該懺悔，因為從以前會戰戰兢兢地仔細聽著機艙安全廣播，看著空姐空少們示範安全出口、救生衣、氧氣面罩等等，到現在會一不小心在等待起飛的時候就睡著，醒來的時候人家已經準備開始空中餐飲服務了！隨著愈來愈常坐飛機來往兩個城市之間，這個起飛前的安全廣播真的是聽了不下百次。大部分千遍一律，甚至幾乎沒有大同小異地完全相同的這段廣播，到底有幾分真實性呢？經濟學人雜誌（The Economist）在九月七日發表的一篇文章就頗值得玩味。

內容當然是英文的！所以，請仔細耐心地練習英文囉！不過，最後我還是會畫幾個重點整理：

Welcome aboard
In-flight announcements are not entirely truthful. What might an honest one sound like?

“Good morning, ladies and gentlemen. We are delighted to welcome you aboard Veritas Airways, the airline that tells it like it is. Please ensure that your seat belt is fastened, your seat back is upright and your tray-table is stowed. At Veritas Airways, your safety is our first priority. Actually, that is not quite true: if it were, our seats would be rear-facing, like those in military aircraft, since they are safer in the event of an emergency landing. But then hardly anybody would buy our tickets and we would go bust.

啊！所以原來比較安全的座位安排是應該面朝機尾呀！

The flight attendants are now pointing out the emergency exits. This is the part of the announcement that you might want to pay attention to. So stop your sudoku for a minute and listen: knowing in advance where the exits are makes a dramatic difference to your chances of survival if we have to evacuate the aircraft. Also, please keep your seat belt fastened when seated, even if the seat-belt light is not illuminated. This is to protect you from the risk of clear-air turbulence, a rare but extremely nasty form of disturbance that can cause severe injury. Imagine the heavy food trolleys jumping into the air and bashing into the overhead lockers, and you will have some idea of how nasty it can be. We don't want to scare you. Still, keep that seat belt fastened all the same.

晴空亂流很危險喔！不要光顧著玩數獨，要記得只要在座位上，就要把安全帶繫好喔！而且不要以為外面一片漆黑，就不會有亂流喔！（不過看來如果不在位子上的時候遭遇亂流，那…那就要平時有燒香拜佛，求神庇佑囉！）

Your life-jacket can be found under your seat, but please do not remove it now. In fact, do not bother to look for it at all. In the event of a landing on water, an unprecedented miracle will have occurred, because in the history of aviation the number of wide-bodied aircraft that have made successful landings on water is zero. This aircraft is equipped with inflatable slides that detach to form life rafts, not that it makes any difference. Please remove high-heeled shoes before using the slides. We might as well add that space helmets and anti-gravity belts should also be removed, since even to mention the use of the slides as rafts is to enter the realm of science fiction.

這一段的重點簡直就是一個大「Oops」！

Please switch off all mobile phones, since they can interfere with the aircraft's navigation systems. At least, that's what you've always been told. The real reason to switch them off is because they interfere with mobile networks on the ground, but somehow that doesn't sound quite so good. On most flights a few mobile phones are left on by mistake, so if they were really dangerous we would not allow them on board at all, if you think about it. We will have to come clean about this next year, when we introduce in-flight calling across the Veritas fleet. At that point the prospect of taking a cut of the sky-high calling charges will miraculously cause our safety concerns about mobile phones to evaporate.

好吧！我承認，我有幾次完全忘了關掉手機，一直到飛機降落，我才發現，原來我手機是開的！（本來我就在納悶兒，如果忘記關掉手機很嚴重，那麼應該禁止攜帶手機上飛機吧！就算在寄艙行李箱裡面，也有可能會是開著的呀！那到底是怎樣哩？）

On channel 11 of our in-flight entertainment system you will find a video consisting of abstract imagery and a new-age soundtrack, with a voice-over explaining some exercises you can do to reduce the risk of deep-vein thrombosis. We are aware that this video is tedious, but it is not meant to be fun. It is meant to limit our liability in the event of lawsuits.

原來這段的影片的主要價值是規避責任，附加價值才是提醒乘客要怎樣運動呀！

Once we have reached cruising altitude you will be offered a light meal and a choice of beverages—a word that sounds so much better than just saying ‘drinks’, don't you think? The purpose of these refreshments is partly to keep you in your seats where you cannot do yourselves or anyone else any harm. Please consume alcohol in moderate quantities so that you become mildly sedated but not rowdy. That said, we can always turn the cabin air-quality down a notch or two to help ensure that you are sufficiently drowsy.

有沒有覺得很像在動物園呀？呵呵。

After take-off, the most dangerous part of the flight, the captain will say a few words that will either be so quiet that you will not be able to hear them, or so loud that they could wake the dead. So please sit back, relax and enjoy the flight. We appreciate that you have a choice of airlines and we thank you for choosing Veritas, a member of an incomprehensible alliance of obscure foreign outfits, most of which you have never heard of. Cabin crew, please make sure we have remembered to close the doors. Sorry, I mean: ‘Doors to automatic and cross-check’. Thank you for flying Veritas.”

重點是，上飛機之後還是輕鬆一點，因為那個時候，你的生命還真不是在你自己掌控之中。相信駕駛，選擇一個值得信賴的好航空公司，然後好好享受旅程吧！畢竟，飛機還是挺安全的交通方式呢！（如果小布希趕快閉上他的大嘴，飛機會更安全喔！）

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(The English article and picture are adapted from the Economist, Volume 380 Number 8494, September 9th-15th, 2006.)

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